June 22, 2004
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oh no...you have to wonder how and why and what in godsakes was i thinking when i started this all back up again...what am i looking for?????? what do i think this will make me happy? i am so utterly torn and yet i have to think that i should not have anything to complain about. one world is a fantasy...one is reality...i am very happy in reality until the tornado of fantasy penetrates my life and i'm swept away. even for the slightest moment -- i loose my self -- so completely...
life was, really much more simple. i've re-read some of the classics novels of the 18th century and of the yearning and sacrifices people made because life was not that easy. you weren't meant to have what you wanted. you were put in your place and expected to accept your fate. and that's what i should do...i don't have the strength to end my indulgence though...i'm selfish and weak and it will get the best of me...
and yet i can and will continue as reticent.
it wouldn't have lasted a year...it was too intense to continue on its path and i wonder if it's only me that feels this way
so anyway, i have to curse tbs for showing the bridget jones' diary over and over again for the last week. i have to keep thinking that i'm looking for something more extrodinary than that...
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