just had a super-fabu birthday weekend...hurricane isabel hit pretty hard, but gave me and extra day off to play!  we super-packed a lovely asian-inspired bar -- it was good to be surrounded-arounded...mass chaos...i tried to be good, but ppl won't let up on your bday huh?  s'okay -- from what i remember, i had a great time!  minimal drama...there could have been major drama, but everyone played nice

the film festival was this weekend as well...cool to hang out w/ the crew during the storm -- at least the theatre had power (coz it was out at home). i was hammering tarp down on the crazy roof til 1 am on thurs to prevent isable from causing leaks...it was pitch dark and i'm standing on a roof in georgetown...all i could think was how lovely to be children of the night...

saw some interesting films and a partial disasater waiting to hit, but all-in-all, was good...hope to do more in the coming year...this could be my calling.  working for entertainment is pretty broad so am hoping in the next few months i can finally finally get things together...games vs. music vs. movies...the film fest is helping alot and i may go that way...but music is really such a hot industry...games is just a little crazy for me, but it's where 90% of my work has grown...

arph...more later...

is writing like praying?  people only pray when they need something...i treat writing the same way...when the world is happy and all is good, i have no reason to put down my frivalous thoughts...so unfortunately, you will see mainly the bad side of me...all the good never gets documented...but maybe that's the stuff i can share in person...so i have another outlet for release...

and i don't want anybody to ever know...

state of affairs at 11:49: dim dim dim gray

so do i put it all out there? maybe it places an invisible wall between myself and the viewer...ppl won't be as concerned if my thoughts are on display like this...i once posted a message somewhere else, indicating i was feeling slightly melancholy...i got a number of responses w/ppl concerned for my well-being, but that's not what i needed.  i needed a space to say yes -- i am a little less happy sometimes...i miss i want i need something that's beyond what i can ever be capable of ever having as mine...and it's ok...really it's ok...no matter how much i ache and desire and salivate...i have to accept no...

oh I watch you there
through the window
and I stare
at you -- you wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted ,
the way I'd like to be
For you,
for me,
come crash
into me

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance....I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance....I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaance.
I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance....I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaance.
I(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
II hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance....I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaance.
I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance....I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaaance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

so i do not absolutely do not think i'm think i'm someone who's "sought after", but
it's f*ing crazy when someone says goodbye to you at the end of the night and says,
"n, you look good"...great...what the f*** am i suppose to do w/ that???  especially
when he's your boss...and he's married w/ a kid...omg...too too too funny, right?
like i wanted to say to him, do u know how pathetic you are right now...it's not
about the flattery, but what it means in your life....

i'm screwing w/ someone's head right now, but i realize it's more their issue w/
life and not mine, right?  i have no issue with what's going on, but they feel sooo
guilty as sh*t and i have nothing to do with it...sorry...SOL...i just smile and walk
away

state of affiares at 11:09: tipsy = gray

errrrrrrrrrrrrrr i've been sitting here at work for 2.5 hours and have done literally nothing...i'm not even motivated to organize personal stuff...who determined humans were meant to sit in contained environments for hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades on end??? i've been reading some messages from this techie dev list on all the incidences of ppl playing games hours on end and how detrimental it is to their heath...even fatal at the most extremes...

mind you, i'm not so engaged with work that i forget body and soul for 74 hrs straight, but all this has to build up, yes?  i'm already bad enough that work takes up so much of my life.  Figure that I work 60 hours a week, 10 hours of out of office computer time, 49 hours sleeping = 70%...plus 14 hours eating, 10 hours commuting...only leaves 17 hrs......that means i should make the absolute most of those 17 hrs...wow...that sucks

is a 2 hr movie worth part of my precious 17 hrs...or more sleep? a good chunk of that is spent partying...maybe i should cut that down...or just spend it zoned out in front of tv???

maybe the real root of my frustration (besides the lack of caffeine this am -- what the heck am i thinking?) is my annoyance with ppl in the office...i wish i was in a more dynamic environment...i thrive on interaction and this isolation is just bringing me further further down the black rabbit hole...

state of affairs at 11:41: f'ing frustrated = slate

am suped up on coffee...good thing to drink for hours on end...let's you forget the bad times...i'm going to start a mood-o-meter..it's gonna fluctuate wildly...probably several times within the same day...not to say that i'm moody...but can't seem to keep my highs high...

scale (good to bad): fire -- marigold -- white -- gainsboro -- silver -- gray -- slate -- dimgray -- black -- jet

so as you can see, the "bad" side of the scale has much more depth to it...maybe it's not the best time for me to be setting the standards...(eeps)

state of affairs at 12:04 pm: silver

in a world where time passes you by...you have to wonder...were we meant to cross paths?  life is full of chance meetings that happen for a reason...i won't deny that i wasn't overwhelmingly excited at the prospects and the experience...it took me away from this place, at a time when i needed to be rescued...