December 10, 2004
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i’m a survivor…
from my last post in early november, you know what i mean….
i made sure to come to the office early that day, but spent most of the morning w/ my head down because it was just too weird to go wandering about the office. definitely eerie w/security officers milling about the halls and cubes…
over the last 6 weeks, i wondered (a lot) about what if i’m one of the chosen to leave. the good thing is, and what i think happened w/ a lot of the layoff-ees, that this was not a life-defining moment. there was enough time to prepare yourself for it and be ready to move on.
i’m reminded of the movie sliding doors — where your future could completely change within a split second. now, to me, the event of missing a train doesn’t have enough impact (kind of a weak premise in life, but it works in the movies) as you’re leaving things to fate and not to controlling your own destiny.
so in valid “what if” scenarios, you have to make a conscious decision to take one path versus another. also, the decision that you make or that’s made for you has to be difficult. it can’t be “well, i’m going to the mall today”. that’s easy and if you don’t go, no big deal. yes, you might miss your chance to be discovered as a rising fashion model because a talent agency was scoping out real people…but the decision to go is not hard.
my “life-defining moment” was when i didn’t go to japan to study abroad in college. i knew my family was not keen on the idea, but i was given the opportunity to apply for the program. i thought if i didn’t get in, then there’s no reason to bring it up. well, the application process went by over a few months and i did get accepted. if i went, i was to be in kyoto for 4 months and do intensive language and cultural studies. if i went, i’d miss the entire job-recruiting season at school and would have to start from scratch months after my cohorts. if i went, i’d be for the first time in another continent and without my family.
ultimately, after much heated deliberation, the decision was made for me not to go. so i stayed in chicago…and recruited…got a great consulting job…graduated early…and my path continues from there.
had i made the sliding doors, i see myself as whisked away to a new land. i would have been corrupted earlier in my life. in the real-world, i hit my wild streak once i started working. i think it was itching to get out of me and japan would have brought that out quickly. i would have explored my creative-side, producing oragami monstrosities, contemplating beautiful landscapes while playing with dainty electronics.
however, i don’t think you could’ve taken the love of numbers and quant and desire to confirm and reason out of me; so, as a person i would have stayed just as rationale as i am today. i would have come back to recruit for a job, with different opportunities accessible to me and yet, i’d still probably go for the highest paid gig i could get.
so sliding doors do not change who we are fundamentally. i think that’s why i can believe in fate and yet, the abililty to control one’s destiny. and today, the decision was made that i was not going to be laid-off. i neither volunteered for a package nor was i involuntarily axed.
i live my days as who i am with opportunities abound in front of me and a daily 45-min commute
