Wednesday, June 02, 2004

i’m kinda combining 2 blogs…so bear w/ me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

oh no…you have to wonder how and why and what in godsakes was i thinking when i started this all back up again…what am i looking for??????  what do i think this will make me happy?  i am so utterly torn and yet i have to think that i should not have anything to complain about.  one world is a fantasy…one is reality…i am very happy in reality until the tornado of fantasy penetrates my life and i’m swept away. even for the slightest moment — i loose my self — so completely…

 

life was, really much more simple.  i’ve re-read some of the classics novels of the 18th century and of the yearning and sacrifices people made because life was not that easy.  you weren’t meant to have what you wanted.  you were put in your place and expected to accept your fate. and that’s what i should do…i don’t have the strength to end my indulgence though…i’m selfish and weak and it will get the best of me…

and yet i can and will continue as reticent.

it wouldn’t have lasted a year…it was too intense to continue on its path and i wonder if it’s only me that feels this way

so anyway, i have to curse tbs for showing the bridget jones’ diary over and over again for the last week.  i have to keep thinking that i’m looking for something more extrodinary than that…

why must fight fight fight always?  my eyes hurt…the sun burns…the pain of the words cuts right through me…i feel beat down…beat up…beat all around

i’ve been so extremely sleepy lately…my normal routine is to stay up til very very late at night…sleep a few restless hours and get through the day…usually, the grogginess doesn’t hit until 4 PM…but this week — eeps…sleepy as soon as I’m up…falling asleep at desk by 10:30…what is wrong…

is it the weather?  allergy season is soon…needs to start poppin pills…the warmness is nice…or is it lack of motivation? ha ha! the root of many-a-problem for our dear hey_kitty_kitty.

so, i was to make a big decision last Wednesday; ash wednesday no less…no ashes for me tho.  so i based my next plans on whether or not i got a promotion at work.  if i get one, i focus on getting another job; if i don’t, i focus on going to grad school.

of course what happens during my review?  i didn’t get one that day, but i will in 2 weeks — stupid HR issues around annual review.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how can that be? does that mean i did get it, but technically not that day so I should focus on school??? it was an arbritrary timing to get me to finally decide…but sheeeesh!

this is why i’m so all over the place.

so i did send my first resume out…guess we’ll see…i’ve also started researching programs…even something to get me in the school mode.

ack ack ack…

i hit deep black a couple weeks ago…was not good…felt like everyone had left me and i lost all passion for things in life….

what snapped me out of it (at least temporarily) is when i was on my way to meet a friend for dinner.  i was so dazed and thought why, how, what am i doing here.  that i would have to sit through the obligatory meal…hear and wallow in my own self-depreciation….fake my nice and jolly sentiment… and as i was sitting on the road…a man in the car next to me starting waving…i looked up thinking he wanted to switch lanes…and he just kept waving…

i rolled my window down, very skeptical as to what he had to tell me, and all he did was ask where the high school was…if it was up the road…his daughter was playing in a volleyball tournament and was trying to make it to the game…

and i told him what i knew…it was probably wrong directions   — but that moment made me think…i had just been sitting in the car…thinking the worst in life…feeling the loneliest w/ no hope…just despair…and him reaching out to me…contacting me…made me realize how many cars were on that road…how many people were sitting staring at the bumber ahead of them…waiting for life to pass them by so they can get out the stinking traffic…and that yet, we’re not alone…we’re not out against each other…we’re all moving towards a common goal…moving and running along with life as far is it will take us…

a little tired, we explored the land around us…the harbor bridge, the harbor, the water, the shops, the market…we are not the venturing type to try kangaroo meat (especially since we don’t quite eat red meat ha ha ha…but the barramunda fish was quite a delight…picked up some australia wine — a lovely savignon blanc: two thumbs

now domestic travel in australai was a breeze…no a super-breeze…except for the fact that i got stopped by the random check 3 out of four times…one security guard even offered to travel with me to the beach…can’t get too friendly now, can ya?  first destination

my my my my my

i just returned from a week of retreat down under…i’m going to provide my take on australia and please don’t be offended. i was only there 8 days and only had a chance to explore one small portion of the country.

anyway flew into sydney, much to our sadness it was cold!  atypical for summer, but whaddya gonna do. 

we rode the “airport shuttle” for the experience of it…it held 14 ppl, but maybe only suppose to have 10.  we were crammed in little tiny asian-style seats facing backwards, the wall of luggage cramping my legs…however, we got a nice tour of sydney outside the downtown area in a 5 km trip that took 45 minutes (ha!).  pulled up into the swanky park hyatt, where the staff was amiable, but looked slightly away as we disembarked our less-than-presentable caravan.

our view was quite pleasant — looking right onto the rocks…the entry point of colonization of australia…australians seem to take their british ties and dependence so very well — not all huffy like americans or canadians.  aussies have even more than embraced american culture…the ease and convinience of being a first world nation.

looking to the right out the balcony, we found a lovely view of the opera house….can’t take too many pictures of the opera house now can you…the most exciting thing for me was being able to take a backstage tour of the various performance spaces…we were allowed onstage, upstage, backstage, in the orchestra pit, the sound box, the lighting box, behind the stage manager’s controls…in all the nooks and crannies to my delight.

more to come…

as you sit and wait and wonder how the world works. what shall my topic of life be this crazy racy tuesday evening…someone asked me if i was ok and that they worry about me and wonder if i am lonely. but yet i am alone tho i have never really been. i grew up an only child and have ever since craved the acceptance of family as i experienced only with the grandmother that took care of me without any conditions who kept me together.

yes, it was difficult to live up to her standards — the standards of a socialite in her hey day that tried to keep the facade up in a new environment in a world not her own without the husband who took care of her in her fragile state.  to bear the cold cold winters of a existance contrasting to the tropics and yet this country afforded her and her children and her grandchildren so much more.

i am proud that i stood up to those kids at hope key